A Mom's Letter to Santa

So, a couple of weeks ago, I was wandering through the library looking for some good cook books and stumbled upon a title that caught my eye. Namely, "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Now, I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Laura, but I am a huge fan of a little vindication every now and again... It just helps the morale. :) So, like I sucker, I checked it out.

I've been pretty disappointed with the book for the most part. I find it horribly written (I'm half surprised anyone even published it--I guess a big name can get you pretty much anything you want...), and ridiculously unfair to working moms. Dr. Laura's logic is downright laughable most of the time. But, this post is not meant to be a book review at all. Really, I just wanted to post what I think is one of the best parts of the book: a letter Dr. Laura received from a mom containing her letter to Santa. It reads as follows:

Dear Santa:

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold 62 cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree in the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my Christmas list over several years, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows if I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color but purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the 7th month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big-ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy," to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three jean skirts that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your sister," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would also be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling my name, and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Yours always, Mom.

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young

enough to always believe in Santa.

Since I only have one child at this point and she can't really talk yet, I can't relate to everything in the letter, but I think I can relate to the gist. :)

However, there are a couple of things I personally would have added to the list (under the miracle section...): a magical decoder that enables me to understand exactly what Grace is trying to communicate at any given time, and the ability to eat all the candy and goodies I want without gaining a pound or damaging my health. Thank you. :)